Milk the food chain

Milk does your body good–as long as it is real milk! Fat-free milk is just water with food coloring. I’ve seen liquid that looked like fat-free milk come out of faucets at baseball fields. Everyone who drank it agreed it was just funny-tasting water and said it tasted the same as the food at the hospital they ended up in afterwards. 1% is just a bit thicker than that, as if someone sprinkled a tiny bit of flour in it. 2% should be the minimal level at which you can still call it milk, and it should have large labels with bright colors saying, “This milk has been molested.” Whole milk is good for you, and that’s what my website drinks in order to maintain its strong bones and terrible attempts at humor.

Many people tend to follow these diets that limit one thing or another, but it really comes down to this: you need a certain level to maintain and a certain level to gain. If you are sitting around doing nothing all day, you don’t need to eat as much (notice that is different from eating the same amount of food, but making sure it is low fat, low calorie, etc.) . If you are active and/or trying to gain, you have to eat more. Fat is good for you! If you eat a reasonable amount of fat, your body can use it as energy. If you eat too little, your body feels starved and will store as much of the fat that you do eat as it can. If fat was so bad, do you think US Armed Forces would be eating MRE’s with greater-than 33% fat?

And vegetarians, I thank you! To be so kind as to not eat meat in order to allow me to eat it at every single meal is nothing short of amazing! Though I continue to wonder why you don’t eat grass, since that’s enough for horses that are far more active than most people. Anyway, I eat cows and cows eat grass, so I manage to intake my vegetables that way. I don’t like dogs, so I’d probably eat them, except that they tend to eat their own excrement, and that’s just gross. Okay, so I wouldn’t eat dogs and I was just making that up (besides, they don’t eat vegetables, so it doesn’t do any good), but what else to you expect from a blog on the internet? I suppose this is a good time to point out that this post is entirely an opinion with a sprinkle or two of fact. Since it’s my opinion, it’s good enough for me, and so it really should be good enough for you. If I make up all the opinions, that’s less work for you!

So remember, if you need to eat a carrot, eat a rabbit instead. And if you eat all of the feet, you’ll have good luck for four years–unless you choke on them, in which case you will die and then cannibals will eat you to eat the rabbit to eat the carrot, so it all works out in the end.