Gordaen’s Blog

For those of you who haven’t spent a significant amount of time as a pedestrian, I figured I’d give you a quick guide to the possible encounters you’ll have with other pedestrians.

Completely Ignore
Many younger people and some middle-age people use this one. Basically, you pretend like the person you are passing doesn’t exist. It varies from pretending something is interesting in a direction that keeps you from noticing the person you pass to simply spacing out. Pass these people by without incident if you want to save yourself the energy or yell “HELLO THERE” as loudly as you can if you want to have fun.

The Distraction
This is a variation of the Completely Ignore encounter, but it involves the person having a specific object. Generally, this is a soft drink or slurpee that the person has to stare at while s/he sucks it down, finishing just after you pass. It’s best if you just ignore these people, but feel free to call them out if you are bored. “Hey, that’s really pathetic. You don’t have to use your slurpee to pretend you don’t see me. Just admit that you’re a jerk and move on. There’s no reason to pretend!”

Tough Guy
This one nearly makes me laugh. You’ll see it most often from the guys who wear pants at knee level or lower and think that makes them tough. They will often glare at you and walk straight toward you, not bothering to move a step to either side to let you through. This is especially common if there are multiple “tough guys.” I tend to not move either, forcing the idiot to move at the last second. Other options include being overly friendly, which throws these people off; standing to one side, proclaiming the passer’s “badassness” and your worshiping of his excellent style; coughing really hard as if you have some disease; and even simply punching him in the face. Bonus points if you go with the last option.

Silent Motion
This is a very common greeting in which the only exchange is a fake smile or a head nod that says, “I see that you exist in this world, but you are meaningless to me.” Due to the intense mental activity that this greeting takes, saying “hi” to a nodder generally won’t elicit a response. Responding to these people with a Jack Nicholson smile is the way to go. It works best if you are also holding an axe and say, “Here’s Johnny!”

Insta-Exchange
This greeting is common as well. It’s slightly more meaningful than the Silent Motion because it requires two or three calories worth of energy. The passerby will say something like “hi,” “hello,” “morning,” or some other minimal-syllable non-sentence. Always try to under-perform these people. If they say “good morning,” you should say “morning.” If they say “hello,” you should say “hey.” If they say “hi,” you should respond with the Silent Motion.

Excessive Exchange
This one is the opposite of the Insta-Exchange and is most common in old people who are desperate for listeners. As you pass by, the person starts with dialogue so long you couldn’t possibly give a reasonable response without stopping. “Good morning. Don’t you think this weather is absolutely wonderful already, especially for it being so early in the morning?” By the time the person finishes, you’re ten feet past him/her. Shout a response if you feel guilty, but—whatever you do—do not stop! If you stop, you’re a goner. This person is like a leach that crushes your soul by latching on to anyone foolish enough to listen. The stories aren’t “When I was your age, we walked to school in three feet of snow, uphill both ways.” They’re “When I was your age, snow hadn’t been invented yet. Everyone knew God on a first-name basis and that’s why he invented Alzheimer’s. Otherwise everyone today would know his name. The Middle East was one state west of the east coast and politicians were liars. Well, at least that hasn’t changed, but everything else has. I remember when the first airplanes…”

Despite that the pedestrian encounters sound so harsh, they are still better than vehicular ones, where the only exchanges are horns, middle fingers, and swear words.