Gordaen’s Blog

Note: This post contains minor swearing.

To be a really good scientist, you have to learn how to state your theories. A major part of this is using big words that confuse other people enough that they won’t want to look them up in order to prove you wrong. Another part is making your theories general enough that they can’t be proven wrong. Pick a famous scientist. Since I don’t care who you picked, I’ll pick one for you: Charles Darwin. Now you’re probably thinking Natural Selection. But if you weren’t, you are now.

Natural selection is basically a biological theory that says that animals more genetically suited to an environment will tend to thrive there more than those that aren’t. It’s one of those theories that makes you say, “Damn, they used up all the common sense theories already!” Every so often you see a prehistoric eel-shark and wonder if that proves the theory wrong, but Charles was smart and used general terms that can’t be proven incorrect. Plus, the theory seems pretty logical, until someone comes along and scientifically states that the excrement of animals warps the environment to better suit those animals. All the human excrement has indirectly caused the infrastructure of cities, an environment that works a whole lot better for us than oceans, glaciers, and Texas. But, for now, Clifton’s Theory of the Pretty Shitty City will go unnoticed.

Why “Natural Selection” Works
In analyzing successful theories, you realize that they cannot be easily disproved. To prove our buddy Charles wrong, you’d have to put all the elephants in the ocean and all the whales in the deserts and have them thrive, because even though human beings thrive everywhere (perhaps soon the moon and Mars) and are genetically inferior to pretty much everything, Charles is a popular guy and his theory is scientifically “good enough.” Plus, God hasn’t come down and said, “I made Charles Darwin so that he could present alternatives to you that defy me in order for me to test your faith rather than me having faith that you have faith in a faithy kind of way.” Of course, God’s pretty hip, so it speech might be more like, “Yo dawgs, I threw Chuck out my whip, so’s he could throw up some doubts in y’all’s minds ’bout yo’s truly, so’s I could see if y’all’s keepin’ it real.”

An Example Theory
Let me give you an example of a good theory by playing off my previous one. Theory: Excrement is a cogent contributor to cerebral acuity. I call this one Clifton’s Theory of Shits for Wits. It’s kind of like Toys for Tots, but a whole lot more influential (at least in my mind, and another of my theories says that no one else can think (try and prove me wrong!), so my opinion is highly valued). Notice I didn’t say “the only” or “the primary,” because someone with too much time on his or her hands would prove me wrong. I also changed regular language (”Shit is a big contributor to intelligence”) into excessive language, which makes it harder to understand and sounds bad (which makes people think of how poorly-worded the sentence is rather than how to prove it incorrect).

Supporting Arguments
You’re immediate reaction is “What a bullshit theory!” Funny that “shit” would be on your mind if you think it doesn’t directly relate to intellect… Think about all the sayings we have like “shithead” and “shit-for-brains” that tie excrement and intelligence together. Plus, if you were to actually eat your own crap, you would probably die (at least, you would have back when we didn’t have such expert doctors as we do today who you can have stab you with needles and drain your blood in order to tell you A: you’re sick and B: your body requires blood), which helps thin out the stupid people.

Intelligence and physical fitness (including health) are major contributors in survival. If you’re smart, you know not to kick a bear between the legs. If you’re fit, you can outrun deadly chiwawas (or throw them at trees… oops, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend nature-lovers. I meant you could break them in half like fortune cookies.) If you’re healthy, you can avoid randomly dying of a heart attack. How does “poop” fit in? We’ve already established that stupid people can “eat crap and die,” so it helps ensure that the people of the least intellect are removed from the gene pool. If you’re not fit (like those 1000-lb, bedridden people), you can’t move away from your “doodie,” so you’ll probably get an infection of some kind and die. If you’re ill, you will often have gas that smells as bad as your excrement, which keeps people away from you and helps ensure that you die and they live. See, dung is already helping to get rid of the unintelligent, unfit, and unhealthy people.

You might wonder how fitness really relates to intelligence, since the theory is that excrement contributes to intelligence. Well, an excessively overweight person is either stupid or has a health problem, but crap will kill either one. If it was an intelligent, unhealthy person, s/he was probably going to die anyway. If it was a stupid person, then crap has done its job and helped ensure the human race has become more intelligent overall.

You might also wonder why there are so many stupid people today. That’s because all the smart people made inventions to get excrement out of the picture, so it can’t do it’s job. The theory seems to break down a bit when you look at present-day humans, but so does Darwin’s and everyone who wasn’t offended by me making God speak with slang love his theory plenty.