Gordaen's Blog

This post is one in a series about depression. It uses humor and reflection to explain and relate what depression really is. For those who regularly read my blog, you’ve probably noticed that I generally don’t post much that is personal. I debated for a long time about whether I should write about this experience, and finally decided that it can probably help a lot more people than a PHP tutorial or yet another Bush joke. Hopefully some of you out there can benefit from this.

Depression has an incredible depth to it that is impossible to understand if you’ve never had the experience. It’s like being in the deepest pit you can imagine. The walls are like mud with sharp rocks. You can try the painful climb out, to begin to see the light, but it takes so little to slip.

People wonder why those who are depressed don’t just get better. Why don’t they just go out and have fun? Besides the obvious chemical answer, there’s a more fundamental reason. After being depressed for a while, you begin to take a certain comfort in it. For some, it might be in hopes of attention. For others, it might be a shell to hide in. For most, it is the familiar. Enjoyment is a foreign feeling that can’t quite be grasped. Sure, you can smile for the moment, but it does nothing to fill the void you have inside.

I tried hard for a long time to fight the depression on my own. Working on my car and driving it, listening to music and playing it, anything that gave a sense of accomplishment meant a moment of release. Anything that required significant concentration meant a chance to forget. You might wonder why you can’t fight it this way forever, and perhaps some people can, but the second you take a break, the instant you make a mistake it all comes back and going from an occupied semi-normal state to the depths of depression can be much harder than just staying in the hole.

Medication, as much as I hate to admit it, is the answer for most. But it brings its own question: What makes us who we are? If you believe in souls, you still have to admit your soul is limited (at least in this life) by your body. If your actions make you who you are and they are governed by your brain, does a chemical that affects the way your brain functions change who you are? If your thoughts make you who you are, does going from depressive thoughts to normal ones make you a different person? Probably I just think too much and shouldn’t be so philosophical, but rejecting my thoughts is self-denial.

I also can’t help but wonder if I am taking the “right” amount. How much depression is normal, is good for you? At times I feel like maybe I should be taking more, but I don’t know if the depression I feel at those moments is “normal” or not. At the same time, I can’t deny that I wonder if I should be taking any at all. I used to write stories, poems, and songs constantly because of my depression. I used it as a vehicle and writing was my escape. I don’t know how to write joyous songs, but I hope, with time, I can learn.

I hope that my writing about depression has helped someone. Those struggling with depression can know that others have been there and made it out. Those who have never been in the pit can understand how grateful they should be and what their friends might be going through.

We can learn from life’s struggles. We can persevere. We can stand together and know that none of us is alone.

(This concludes the depression posts. Thanks for reading.)