Gordaen's Blog

Well, I guess I should be pretty transparent about this: I have not read the books. I haven’t seen the movie. I have no intention of doing either, but the reviews are hilarious!

The first one I read was by Matthew Baldwin. Here’s my favorite paragraph from his review:

Ed’s fantastic looks, it turns out, are a result of his deep dark secret which Belle figures out in about 30 minutes: he’s a vampire. He and his family (vampires all) live in Forks because it is perpetually cloudy, thus ensuring that they won’t be exposed to direct sunlight. And it’s imperative that Ed avoid direct sunlight because, when it hits him, he becomes EVEN MORE GORGEOUS. I am so totally not making this up. Also, he’s a good vampire, insofar as he doesn’t eat people. But he really, really wants to. Hence the brooding. And to make matters worse, he wants to eat Belle more than anyone, because apparently she has great smelling blood. But he’s also in love with her, you see. Oh my goodness, what a pickle! It’s as if you or I were dating an apple fritter.

Then, today, I read Luke Maciak’s review, Twilight: I read it so that you don’t have to. My favorite paragraph was this:

Anyways, plagiarism accusations wouldn’t stick because Meyer’s vampires sparkle in the sun. Yeah, they don’t actually burn like [they] are supposed to. If you see one of them in daylight, they will just look… gay-ish. Or rather they look as if they spent the whole night rolling around in a pile of strippers – they seem to be shit covered with glitter that can’t be washed off. That’s apparently why they don’t go out during the day much. Cause you know – glitter ain’t a joke. I shit you not! Fortunately the glitter thing can’t be seen when it’s cloudy so they can go to school on rainy days as normal. Conveniently, most days in the book are rainy days.

What’s better, reading a good book or not reading a crappy book but instead reading all the awesome reviews bashing it?